Drawing Dicks on Stuff: A Tradition as Old as Time

 

It probably started with a bored kid and a rock. Maybe he was supposed to be helping the tribe gather berries or keep watch for sabre-toothed tigers, but instead, he was crouched beside a cave wall, scratching out the world’s first dick pic. A crude little line drawing, anatomically questionable but unmistakably intentional. He probably giggled. His mate probably saw it and added a second one. And just like that, humanity’s oldest, dumbest, and most enduring artistic tradition was born. Not storytelling. Not handprints. Just a prehistoric dick joke.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and not much had changed. Ancient Egyptians were busy building pyramids, worshipping sun gods, and—you guessed it—adorning temple walls with giant phalluses. Some say they were fertility symbols. Others think they were sacred offerings to gods like Min, whose eternal erection made Viagra look like child’s play. Or maybe, just maybe, those ancient artisans were bored out of their minds and decided to make each other laugh.

And they didn’t hold back. Phallic imagery popped up all over the place—from temples and tombs to amulets and medical carvings. The Temple of Kom Ombo practically doubles as a reproductive health clinic and a shrine to the wang. Statues of Min weren’t subtle either—full salute, no pants, just vibes. Across dynasties, the message was clear: dicks were sacred, protective, and apparently excellent interior décor.

The Romans were also massive advocates of the D. Wander the ruins of Pompeii and you’ll find dicks carved into stone streets, painted onto walls, and proudly displayed on household items like oil lamps and wind chimes. Some pointed the way to brothels. Others dangled over doorways as protective symbols, believed to bring good luck and ward off evil. But let’s be honest: they probably also just thought it was funny AF. Imagine a bunch of toga-clad mates walking home drunk from the baths, chisel in hand, giggling as they added another proud specimen to the wall. Sacred? Maybe. Hilarious? Definitely.

Then there were the soldiers along Hadrian’s Wall in Britain. Freezing, far from home, facing down angry locals… of course they started scratching dicks into the stones. Historians call them protective talismans. We call them proof that military boredom transcends centuries.

Even in medieval Italy, the tradition flourished. The 13th-century “Tree of Fertility” mural in Massa Marittima featured a tree absolutely loaded with phalluses, gently swaying in the painted breeze while women danced beneath. Scholars debate the symbolism—was it political satire? A fertility rite? A dirty joke left for future generations? (See the banner image for this article)

And in modern times, this urge hasn’t exactly disappeared. Just look at the defacement of newspapers, public bathroom walls, or even memes that circle the globe daily. From graffiti tags in New York to pop culture gags in shows like Superbad—where an entire subplot revolves around a kid who can’t stop doodling dicks—our fascination continues. Turns out it’s as universal as it gets.

And if you thought this kind of thing peaked in high school, let us introduce you to Drawing Dicks on the Herald Sun — a gloriously low-effort, high-impact movement where people defaced Melbourne’s daily newspaper with hand-drawn dicks. It was so prolific it earned its own Facebook page, cult following, and yes, even a short documentary. It’s exactly what it sounds like, and somehow... kind of beautiful.

So Why Do We Do It?

Maybe it’s a fertility talisman. Maybe it’s an ancient nod to the circle of life. But let’s be real: maybe people just thought it was funny. And that’s exactly why at Absurdity Club, we embrace that timeless impulse. We hide cheeky details in elegant patterns, reward the second glance, and carry on the grand tradition of drawing dicks on stuff—only, you know, with better design and softer fabric.

Because thousands of years later, some things never change. We’ve built skyscrapers, invented the internet, and put rovers on Mars—but we’re still drawing dicks on stuff. On desks, in textbooks, on toilet doors, and now, subtly hidden in tasteful patterns on shirts. It’s immature, enduring, and weirdly comforting. And thank god for that.

Want to join the tradition? Check out our collection. Just… look closer.